Coming Back From Failure
Every piece I write brings challenges, opportunities and insights. When it comes to the subject of failure, I was a little surprised at least initially, to find I had accumulated about 25 quotes dealing with this topic. (The three I chose for this piece are the most relevant based on how I coach in this area – with a focus on what I call “analysis in action.”)
As I wrote this entry, however, I realized just how many notable people have seen fit to comment on the subject. This is because most successful individuals view breakdown or collapse as the necessary learning experience that most often precipitates success. They analyze each situation, and act in new ways, time after time. Failures seem to fuel – not stop – them.
Still, most of us hate to fail. We don’t even like to use the word failure when describing the experience. I have found – personally and in my work with senior executives – that looking at unpleasant experiences can be a gift. Every cloud has a silver lining. And that’s what this short essay is all about – finding the silver lining. To get there, however, we need to do a bit of soul-searching. The question is: What happened and why?
Let’s agree to define failure as the act of being unsuccessful. Think of a time when you felt you were unsuccessful. What were you trying to achieve and how did you go about achieving it? What were the steps you took to get there, and where did you go astray?
Now, first, let’s examine the kinds of feelings that can be present or prevail when you’re unsuccessful. To be clear, these are not the judgments or inputs you receive from others about your situation. Your feelings are generated by your own thoughts and conclusions about what you’re experiencing.
Determining that you’ve been unsuccessful can be very painful, distressing, upsetting and frustrating. Acknowledging these feelings, owning them and exploring them fully is important. Without taking these steps, you run the risk of the emotions coming back to bite you in some way, or they may simply cause disruption. Additionally, they may even linger along the periphery of your consciousness, and prevent you from being as effective as you can be in moving forward.
Once you’ve acknowledged your feelings, you can undertake the necessary grief work. Failure is akin to loss so grieving is essential. Without grieving you might transfer emotions to relationships and activities unrelated to the unsuccessful event or situation, and this can create more havoc.
The bottom line? Take the time to slow down and work through your pain yourself and/or with someone you trust. A second opinion from a qualified, neutral party can provide insight and context relative to an emotionally charged situation.
You are not a failure. That is a label better suited to your experience – it’s the attempted action, or lack of action only that proved unsuccessful. Know and believe this.
Second, don’t play the blame game. Yes, someone or something could have contributed to your lack of success. You might even have a course of action, legally or administratively, you can take against the one or ones who perpetrated the injustice that may have led to the breakdown or malfunction. However, turn such matters over to professionals trained to pursue your interests. This way you can stay productive while your advocate is moving your case forward. Your life should not stop while your cause is being pursued. And by no means should you revel in your victimhood. Victimhood is toxic and eats away at your sense of dignity.
Also, don’t fall into the trap of blaming the other guy for your lack of success – namely, your former boss or employee, your prospective customer or others. Yes, they may have been deficient in their analysis, decision-making processes or actions, but those matters are theirs, not yours. Also, blame finds a persecutor and makes you into a victim. The difficulty with victimhood is that you, the victim, look for a savior. The savior you find will support your victimhood. He or she will support you in your righteousness, and not necessarily support you in doing what is right or in your best interest.
Third, accept the fact that you were unsuccessful. I doubt that you can learn anything from denial. Most likely, if you say there was nothing you could have done to prevent the failure, you probably have not looked at the situation closely enough. It is definitely more productive to go back and take an objective view of the circumstances. What were the underlying facts and issues surrounding the failure? What did you do or fail to do? Could you have made different choices? What were they?
“You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing that we call “failure” is not the falling down, but the staying down.” – Mary Pickford
Now we get into the productive aspect of failure analysis – moving forward. Accept responsibility for your part in being unsuccessful. Try and be as objective as possible. For example, if you lost your job ask yourself some hard questions:
- Was it the wrong place for you? Was it the right cultural fit for you?
- Did the job fail to tap the depth and breadth of your skills and talents?
- Did you make a mistake in joining the company or in staying with the company given what your gut was telling you?
- Did you get too comfortable in the job?
- Did the job outgrow you or did you outgrow the job and become bored and ineffective?
Alternately, if you lost a major sale:
- Did you do what you were supposed to do?
- Did you miss some important clues or cues?
- What were the factors – in addition to price – that were the deal breaker?
- Did you fail to communicate value to the prospect?
Lastly, learn and grow from your mistakes. Capture the golden nuggets of your experience and use them to propel you forward. Life is about learning – becoming more self-aware. If you are not aware, you are asleep. Life is also about growth – doing something new or different. Many successful people will tell you they have learned a lot more from their mistakes than from their successes. In my last blog entry, I discussed habits and the dual facets of consciousness and competence. Here is how I would summarize those 2 attributes in a chart:
| Consciousness | Competence | Condition/Situation | |
|---|---|---|---|
| #1 | Unconscious | Competent | Automatic Pilot |
| #2 | Unconscious | Incompetent | Clueless |
| #3 | Conscious | Incompetent | You know what you don’t know |
| #4 | Conscious | Competent | Must think to do |
Being conscious takes more work, but it is definitely more rewarding professionally and personally. Don’t view yourself as a failure. View yourself as experienced but only if you commit to learn from your setbacks.
“Not failure, but low aim, is a crime.” - James Russell Lowell
Why not aim higher next time? A larger goal can trigger greater innovation and creativity. However, it will require you to learn from your past experiences, to collaborate better, to be more honest with yourself and to accept feedback when it is given. You have gifts that demand development and attention. There is always a place for you and your talents in the world. Where, when and how you apply yourself are the questions to raise and answer in order to be successful. Do it! For every unsuccessful situation, make a comeback – every time.
And, there is more, there always is.
Be genuine.
Copyright 2013 © John J. Trakselis, Chicago CEO Coaching
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