Everything is Personal

by John J. Trakselis Coaching Essay

Welcome to my first Blog posting. This edition of “From the Desktop of John Trakselis” features a discussion of what I consider one of life’s most important concepts: Everything is personal.

Upon making or hearing a decision, how many times have you heard or said: It’s not personal, it's just business? This is a line that became popular about 40 years ago when the first Godfather film was released. With all due respect to Mario Puzo and Francis Ford Coppola, however, I would argue this assertion is wrong. The fact is everything is personal – always.

“Everything is personal – always.” – John J.Trakselis, CEO, Chicago CEO Coaching

How do we know this to be true? Did you ever get mad at someone in your organization for what they said or did (or most likely failed to do)? Was the anger you felt or expressed a business response or a personal reaction? Obviously, any comeback inspired by one’s feelings – whether conscious or not – is indeed personal.

There’s more evidence for everything is personal. First, let’s explore the notion of reacting versus responding. Ginger Lapid-Bogda, in her book, BRINGING OUT THE BEST IN YOURSELF AT WORK: HOW TO USE THE ENNEAGRAM SYSTEM FOR SUCCESS, defines reactivity as feedback that’s given immediately and hastily, without making a conscious choice to behave in a certain manner. Reactivity plays a big part in most of our lives. It is challenging, if not impossible, to think things through carefully all of the time, and to develop a thoughtful, calm response in every situation – especially when emotions are running high. In fact, this is why the idea, “It’s not personal, it’s just business” does not hold up. Humans have emotional triggers which ignite powerful reactions – in business as well as in our personal lives. But emotions can indeed be harnessed.

Consider the perspective that Daniel Kahneman, winner of the Nobel Prize in Economics, asserts, in THINKING, FAST AND SLOW. We have 2 conceptual systems that make decisions – System 1 and System 2. System 1 makes quick decisions. We avoid danger using System 1. For example, we swerve our car or slam on our brakes to prevent an accident. We make instantaneous decisions using System 1. However, we often get into trouble when we make decisions using System 1 because we react with haste – principally talking or acting without care or consideration.

System 2 is more thoughtful, and holds system 1 in check. It is the more deliberative decision-making process. System 2 works a lot harder than System 1. System 2 is a bit lazy, tires easily and often has to do some heavy lifting to make decisions. And frankly, we don’t always have the time to think—we have to act in so many situations in life. We can’t always wait for guidance from System 2, so we rely primarily on System 1.

The phrase, “It’s not personal, it’s only business” seems to suggest then that we are making decisions using System 2. But in reality most of our decisions are directed by our emotions, our biases, our beliefs and maybe our gut. We can’t possibly make all of our decisions using System 2; hence our responses are seldom based only on the facts of the business at hand.

Emotional intelligence proves this assertion. Over the last 20 years, the concept of emotional intelligence has received a good deal of attention as part of leadership training. The foundation of emotional intelligence is awareness of self and of other. With this in mind, we can begin to see the idea that everything is business may be about denial—denial of our very humanness.

To the extent we may hide behind the illusion that everything is business, we sabotage our awareness. Frankly, too much energy is wasted by being in denial, and it inhibits our ability to devote attention to more productive endeavors. It is like trying to swim with a 15-pound weight tied on our back. At first, it is not too heavy but over time it starts to become burdensome. Eventually, it can become hard to keep our head above water. We sputter, and we start taking in water. Finally we face the reality that we just might sink.

By coming to grips with the fact that everything is personal, we rid ourselves of an illusion. We realize emotions, personal biases, judgments and gut instincts are always present and they are there to serve us, to put us in touch with reality.

"Consciousness consists of 2 elements: awareness and choice." -Fred Kofman

From another perspective, consider the definition of consciousness advanced by Fred Kofman in CONSCIOUS BUSINESS: HOW TO BUILD VALUE THROUGH VALUES. He states that consciousness consists of 2 elements: awareness and choice. How can you choose properly if you are not aware? How can you choose properly if you are in denial or if you resist your emotional state? The answer is that you can't. You simply react because Stimulus + Response= Reaction.

In summary, I offer the following suggestions:

  • Resist the temptation to believe "It's not personal, it's just business."
  • Take time to be aware of your feelings and mental state. These human factors are indeed personal and different for each one of us. Use them to your advantage, and practice responding vs. reacting.
  • Own your decision-making process including your biases, your personal beliefs, your feelings and your mental state.
  • Share your decision-making process with someone who will listen and give you good feedback.
  • Don’t hide behind the statement, “It’s not personal, it’s just business.”
  • Remember, it’s people who make decisions and put forth opinions in business and in every aspect of life. Let’s tap our awareness and apply all the other human tools at our disposal as well – critical thinking, sound decision-making, thoughtfulness and more.

Let me know how this works for you. For some, this will be a critical modification and for others it may simply affirm your decision-making process. Rest assured, it's all part of being more human, which is a good thing. Remember, businesses are run by humans, not robots. Everything is personal – always.

Copyright 2013 © John J. Trakselis, Chicago CEO Coaching

Suggested Readings:

  • BRINGING OUT THE BEST IN YOURSELF AT WORK: HOW TO USE THE ENNEAGRAM SYSTEM FOR SUCCESS, by Ginger Lapid-Bogda (Jul 1, 2004)
  • THINKING, FAST AND SLOW, by Daniel Kahneman (Apr 2, 2013)
  • CONSCIOUS BUSINESS: HOW TO BUILD VALUE THROUGH VALUES, by Fred Kofman (Oct 1, 2006)

Join the Discussion

What’s on your mind? What’s keeping you up at night? What are the thoughts from your desktop? If you have topics you’d like John to cover in this blog, please email john.trakselis@vistage.com or call (708)443-5518.