UNWILLING, UNABLE, UNWORTHY
When confronted with a challenge or opportunity we often have three negative thoughts running through our heads:
- I don’t want to tackle this challenge—I am unwilling.
- I can’t handle this challenge—I am unable.
- I am not deserving of handling this challenge—I am unworthy.
These are all legitimate feelings. A problem arises, however, when we get them mixed up with what’s possible. In other words, we say we can’t do something (implying we are unable), when in reality we are unwilling to handle a challenge that comes our way. Alternatively, when given a great opportunity we say, NO (implying we are unwilling), when we simply don’t believe we can handle it. These are examples of situations where we could be giving up our power and holding on to a distorted view of reality.
Let’s think about each of these states of mind and see if we can shed some light on them.
I am Unwilling
“Nothing is easy to the unwilling.” – Thomas Fuller
Being unwilling plays out in unusual ways! The first is the honest answer of “I don’t want to do it.” The good thing about an emphatic, “No” is that it is usually a direct communication. We don’t always understand or accept it even though it is quite decisive. Unlike a direct response, vacillation, not responding or passive-aggressive answers are more vexing.
Why is it so hard to say, NO? The typical answer I hear is we don’t want to hurt the feelings of the party asking us to take action. Somehow we think it is better to procrastinate, give unclear answers or respond in a misleading way. What’s underneath these types of behaviors? What makes us evade and delay, and why do we think telling something other than the truth is a better option?
I don’t know about you but I hate having a communication with someone who is not on the “up and up” – to use an old phrase. I think it is insulting to deliberately tinker with someone because you don’t have the backbone to say, NO with conviction. It is ok to say, NO, but if you are not honest in your responses you are holding back your truth. In essence, evasiveness is like telling a lie deliberately. Do you want to be known as a liar?
“Being ignorant is not so much a shame, as being unwilling to learn.” – Benjamin Franklin
Of course you could say that you will do something that you were asked to do and then not do it. In that situation someone is relying on you to get something done and you leave them hanging when you don’t keep your commitment. Time and money were likely wasted and someone has to come to the rescue to finish your agreed upon task. In this situation you have proved yourself to be unreliable and, absent further evidence, you were unwilling to achieve the objective. If your eyes were bigger than your stomach (i.e., your ability) then you were unable. If you weren’t honest when you agreed to take on the assignment you are now unworthy of another’s continued trust.
I am Unable (not able)
“One of our primary purposes in this life is to help others. If you are unable to help someone, then please, do not hurt them!” – David Kreger
We can’t do everything. We don’t always have the time, resources, skills or interest to take on certain difficult tasks. We know from the Gallup studies if we are working on our weaknesses, this is not as gratifying as working on our strengths. While we have job responsibilities that require we get certain things done, we usually find workarounds to handle those things we find undesirable or where we cannot efficiently or effectively finish an assignment. Where we get into trouble is assuming responsibility for an assignment where we can’t possibly complete it or it will get done badly. The problem occurs when we are not honest with ourselves and others when taking on the task.
Often when we are offered an opportunity we are reluctant to say we don’t know how to do something. Wouldn’t it be a more interesting conversation to tell someone else that you don’t have a clue how to do it but that you will look into it and come back with an idea as to how to finish a task? It is an honest communication that demonstrates you are willing to take on more responsibility and move into uncharted experience. Taking on something new creates excitement and energy that expands your base of skills and experience, and inspires your thinking. This is the positive side of new projects.
“Men are anxious to improve their circumstances, but are unwilling to improve themselves; they therefore remain bound.” – James Allen
The negative aspect of taking on a new duty takes hold when we can’t meet the expectations of someone else because we don’t have the skills, interest, time or will to get it done (Notice how unwillingness bleeds in here). If we are not aware of these impediments that is one thing—we need to know our limitations to be successful and to prioritize our energies. It is something else, however, if we knew we couldn’t handle the new assignment for whatever reason and did not clearly communicate that at the front end. This is dishonest and deceitful plus it can get you in serious trouble if your boss or a customer is counting on you for successful completion.
The gray area here is if you have a demonstrated a track record of pulling the rabbit out of the hat and meeting or exceeding expectations at the last minute. In these situations you have probably developed a reputation for being an excellent problem solver and you are stimulated by new challenges. Eventually you will bump up against your limitations but if you have a good process for taking on new responsibilities you are enabling yourself to get tasks done. The most important thing is what the front end conversation looks like. Are you managing expectations and are you honest with yourself?
“People who are unable to motivate themselves must be content with mediocrity, no matter how impressive their other talents.” – James Allen
What I find particularly frustrating is dealing with people who are unmotivated and lethargic about their jobs and their careers. I am never satisfied in my conversations with people of this mindset and behavior. They never really get excited about anything constructive or innovative and operate almost entirely in the status quo. I guess there is a segment of the population that is this way but we should also be careful about working with them unless they have a very narrow task to perform. While they may or may not be content with their mediocrity, we need to find others to rely and depend upon. Similarly, we need to be skeptical of their desire to move up in an organization or their interest in assuming new responsibilities because they truly may be unable (even if they don’t know it).
I am Unworthy
“Don't be afraid to take challenges in life. Without taking challenges you'll be unable to see what your real capability is.” – James Allen
It is hard to admit we are incapable of doing something. People who never really pushed themselves don’t know their limitations. They are bound by their experiences which create limiting beliefs about their capability. It is rather unfortunate to be in this place, but it is pretty hard to determine the cause and it is difficult to find a more workable mindset. I have found honesty to be the best policy and awareness to be of service to everyone. If you lay out your reservations about taking on new challenges and base them on a careful assessment of your strengths and capabilities, then you have an opportunity to learn something about yourself. What doesn’t serve you is the story you have inside your head that you are only good at this or that and that you would not do well in unexplored areas. The truth is we may do very well in new areas and we need to monitor our limiting beliefs and make an effort to keep them from our moving forward. I don’t know about you but I find inspiration in stories about people who confronted those things which made them “unable,” and were successful in overcoming the odds. If we are honest with ourselves, we can always do more, become more capable and expand our capacity.
In Conclusion
When I developed the concept for this essay I thought I had three clearly delineated concepts: Unwilling, Unable and Unworthy. I found we can experience or encounter each in overt but also subtle or even hidden ways, and the lines are blurred. The common thread among the three is the notion of will which can be used to get one’s thinking clear and enable action or inaction for the right reasons. The old expression, “Where there is a will there is a way,” is relevant here. Are you willing to:
- Look inside to confront your thoughts
- Articulate your thinking in clear, direct and honest communication
- Ask for help when you need it
- Learn and grow?
If you are, you will feel more confident and satisfied with your decision-making process and conclusions. It’s all part of creating a more conscious planet.
And, there is more, there always is.
Be genuine.
Copyright 2014 © John J. Trakselis, Chicago CEO Coaching
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