CCEOC Blog

Conflict Avoidance Wastes Time and Money

“Peace is not absence of conflict. It is the ability to handle conflict by peaceful means.” – Ronald Reagan

Conflict inevitably arises in any environment where two or more people work, live and/or play together – and even when prayer and worship are a dimension of the human connection, discord occurs. Conflict is and always has been a part of life, so why not make the best of it? Another question: How can we use it to help us become our best selves, and bring out the best in those who we are in conflict? Read more to explore the possibilities…

First, let’s handle the notion of disagreement. In situations where the parties cannot agree, your number 1 task is to realize that something is not working well. But the purpose of the realization is not for determining where, how or who to assign blame. Rather it is to acknowledge the impasse and to shed light on the issues in dispute. When an individual calls out or names a problem, the parties can embark upon what I call a here and now conversation. In a here and now discussion, past disputes are only relevant if they enable one or more of the parties to recognize that they are bringing unresolved conflicts, and their attendant emotional charge, into the current discussion. Frequently unresolved issues are the spark, the dry timber and the gasoline that start and enhance the fire of dispute.

“Conflict is drama, and how people deal with conflict shows you the kind of people they are.” – Stephen Moyer

“I think what makes people fascinating is conflict, it's drama, it's the human condition. Nobody wants to watch perfection.” – Nicolas Cage

In my experience very few conflicts include a shouting match even though that’s how they are portrayed often in television and film. Most disagreements have a lower tonality even though harsh words can be issued in a so-called “civilized” dispute. To get someone’s attention, an emotionally unhealthy individual might be severely critical or tend to attack. But when differences escalate to a more primal state, division rather than union of people under a common cause is practically guaranteed. After two parties engage in mudslinging, it is interesting to see what they do after they separate. I would imagine one party goes back to their cave (office, bedroom, workshop, etc.) and another person could line up external support or simply vent to third parties.

The conflict management style of disputing parties is heavily influenced by their formal relationship to each other. For example, in an organizational quarrel, the individuals in conflict could include a boss and an employee, peers at the same level, competing CEOs and key executives or outsiders (shareholders, board members, customers, suppliers, etc.). At home, a clash could impact parents and children, spouses or even distant relatives. I have even heard of a few situations this past year of adult siblings not talking to each other for over 20 years – even if they attended mom or dad’s funeral together. What a waste of time, energy and a lack of basic human understanding! Regardless of the players and the relationship types, all conflicts deserve attention and each party has a voice that needs to be heard.

“Whenever you're in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude.” – William James

Avoidance is never a good strategy as I stated in a previous essay. I think those who are inclined to passive-aggressive behavior tend toward avoidance as a way to handle conflict. I can only guess at the motives for this way of dealing with conflict. Perhaps some think that by withholding conversation they are punishing the other party. Others can’t handle the upset of interaction directly although they carry the distress around in their heads for an inordinate amount of time. There are some people who are afraid to go into the conflict because they think they or their ideas are unworthy or they won’t be heard. But the individuals I find the most interesting are those who say they don’t want to upset the other party. What they are really saying is they don’t want to experience the discomfort of intimate interaction when they feel vulnerable.

Everything that I have heard and seen about leadership suggests that allowing for the experience of one’s vulnerability is the key to successful leadership. The only difficulty with the concept of vulnerability is that most of us don’t have a good idea of what it looks like. The way I envision vulnerability starts with values. Values are your intent about how you will live your life. Values are the direction you are headed. If you are unwilling to live your professed values you are out of integrity. Of course, the problem here is that our values are not always top of mind when emotions are running wild. When we are stressed or challenged we go into default mode – patterns of thinking, feeling and behavior we learned in order to survive the stress of growing up. In effect. our programming takes over and we go unconscious because this is what we know at a neurological and cellular level.

“There are three principles in a man's being and life, the principle of thought, the principle of speech, and the principle of action. The origin of all conflict between me and my fellow-men is that I do not say what I mean and I don't do what I say.” – Martin Buber

So let me put forth a step-by-step process that you can use to be more conscious when engaged in a dispute and to experience an appropriate level of vulnerability that moves you toward conflict resolution. For discussion purposes, let’s look at the realistic steps that will bring your integrity into the process of working with and resolving conflict with another:

• Acknowledge that there is a dispute and clearly state this.
• Ask the other party if they are willing and committed to participate authentically in working through the conflict.
• Acknowledge your emotional state and ask the other party to clarify their feelings. Feelings don’t have to be justified nor is anyone else responsible for what someone else is experiencing.
• Restate the views and emotional state of both parties – without emotionally charged words or judgment (I recommend writing your thoughts out in a few bullet points on a sheet of paper).
• Gain agreement from the other party that you have correctly stated all aspects of the situation.
• Ask for time to consider the other party’s position on the matter carefully and thoughtfully. You can use this time to work with the other party’s idea and do an appropriate risk assessment of where the idea will and will not work. The other thing that you can state here are any conflicts with your personal values.
• Ask the other party to give your idea full consideration as well.
• Agree on a time to get back together.
• Do your work honestly and tell your truth at the next encounter.
• If none of this works, find an impartial arbitrator to resolve the issue.

“Conflict cannot survive without your participation.” – Wayne Dyer

Looking at the above steps you may have the response: I don’t have time for all of that. That is true and it is not true. The answer depends on how important resolving the dispute is to you. The answer also depends on how many times you use this process because you will gain “operational efficiencies” over time. When it comes to time, I am reminded of the admonition of Coach John Wooden: “If you don't have time to do it right, when will you have time to do it over?”

What do you gain from this process? The most important “public win” for you is not obvious so I need to state it here: YOU WILL BE TRUSTWORTHY BECAUSE YOU ARE TRUSTING. What is the benefit of trust? I suggest that you read The Speed of Trust, by Stephen M.R. Covey. Things will go a lot smoother for you and those you touch when trust exists. However, this is not the most important win. The real accomplishment is a “private victory,” to use the expression coined by the senior Stephen Covey. The real win for you is the honor of becoming a person of integrity who constantly strives for deep human connection. We need more of those people in the world.

As I wrote this essay, in a world rife with conflict at home and abroad, the refrain from John Lennon’s “Imagine” comes to mind. Think about these words:

And, there is more, there always is.

Be genuine.

Copyright 2014 © John J. Trakselis, Chicago CEO Coaching

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