The Look & Feel of Effective Communication
“Skill in the art of communication is crucial to a leader’s success. He can accomplish nothing unless he can communicate effectively." – Anthony Robbins
"You can have brilliant ideas, but if you can't get them across, your ideas won't get you anywhere." – Lee Iacocca
The best form of communication is that which is understood. Understanding establishes an anchor point for two parties to begin a dialogue that can lead to constructive action. Being able to understand another helps create trust and allows truth to flourish because there is less pretense and more reality in the exchange.
Think about the three keys to successful presenting:
- Tell them what you are going to tell them
- Tell them
- Tell them what you have told them
The same three parts could apply in any 1 to 1 conversation.
No matter how eloquent you are in your delivery, how skilled you are overall as a communicator or how sound your ideas, you must establish the right environment. This essay points out a few ideas for creating and sustaining an atmosphere of effective interaction that leads to positive results. Ultimately I will advocate that you approach your conversations with a positive attitude and the intention to have an effective exchange rather than delivering, or listening to a monologue.
"To listen well is as powerful a means of communication and influence as to talk well." – John Marshall
The Importance of Listening
After listening to someone talk, try this exercise. Play back, word for word, the most significant thing they said. I recommend doing this with another person who was also present in the room so that you have an independent evaluation of your precision in repeating the words uttered by the speaker. This is not an easy thing to do in most cases because of what we absorb (affected by our filters) and our presence, or lack thereof, in the conversation. Our filters reflect our pre-dispositions such as beliefs, triggers, and assumptions. In effect there is some bias in our thinking that influences our ability to listen. Similarly, our presence in the conversation often is lacking. A good example of a lack of presence is often our inability to repeat someone’s name 30 seconds after you meet them. Then, in this instance, we delude ourselves with the belief that “I am just terrible with names.”
The good news is that our listening skills can be increased if we have the intention to be a better listener. I am aware that there are numerous books and tapes on how to be a better listener. I will leave it up to you to explore those sources if you are so inclined. The point is: Where there’s a will there is a way. If you want to improve your listening skills you will. If you don’t, you won’t.
"To effectively communicate, we must realize that we are all different in the way we perceive the world and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others" – Anthony Robbins
What is Necessary to Bring to Conversations?
Susan Scott wrote the book FIERCE CONVERSATIONS. Her training website defines fierce as “…to be authentic, present and real in day-to-day conversations.” Read more here. In the Vistage community we generally describe a fierce conversation as one where we confront reality. This suggests to me that we put all the cards on the table and that we don’t tippy-toe around things that matter. This doesn’t mean we are blunt or punishing. It suggests we have a positive intention to improve our reality and create a good experience for all participants.
I think the most important thing we bring to a conversation is our truth. Generally, we define our truth by what is in front of our nose. This suggests we may not always have the full picture. It is probably one of the reasons we have conversations rather than simply issuing edicts and proclamations to handle our interpersonal relationships. The conversation often is part of the truth-gathering process. We want to learn the truth of the other person(s) who are part of the conversation just as much as we want to share ours.
For additional thoughts on conversations read my blog essay Real Conversations.
“I'm a great believer that any tool that enhances communication has profound effects in terms of how people can learn from each other, and how they can achieve the kind of freedoms that they're interested in.” – Bill Gates
Communication is Like a Tennis Volley
When I was an executive recruiter and had to coach a candidate for an interview with a client, I would ask them what they thought would make it a good meeting. Inevitably they would say the job requirements and their skills. That was well and good but I wanted them to focus on the quality of the conversation as a way to get their message across rather than doing a sales presentation.
If you have played tennis and you want to warm up with your opponent or partner you engage in a volley. When the ball comes your way, you can smash an unreturnable volley. After receiving a couple of those, your partner will be frustrated and point out this is a warm-up period and not Wimbledon. The objective of a volley is to keep the ball in play and that is exactly what a conversation is—moving the ball between the players and keeping the back and forth going. Smashing the ball is like a monologue. It is one-sided and ends the interchange. It also breeds mistrust in the person who has been victimized by the diatribe. My advice is to honor each other and create the give and take of a conversation.
“Communication is a skill that you can learn. It's like riding a bicycle or typing. If you're willing to work at it, you can rapidly improve the quality of every part of your life.” –Brian Tracy
Preparation and Practice
One of the most disciplined and organized individuals who ever worked for me came to our discussions with a typed sheet of points he wanted to get across. The sheet was not to control the conversation but to make sure that he clearly communicated to me the facts and the conclusions that he wanted to discuss with me. It was never “my way or the highway.” It was his way to organize his point of view and let me know he had thought things through. He never gave me a bad recommendation and his ideas were always well implemented. He gave me his best and it was clear he wanted what was best for the company He thought things through ahead of time. He didn’t have a hidden agenda. It was all on paper. How prepared are you for significant conversations? Don’t be too proud to rehearse and refine
“Whatever words we utter should be chosen with care for people will hear them and be influenced by them for good or ill.” – Buddha
What’s at Stake?
Effective communication is required in almost every type of relationship: marriage, love, parent-child, in-law-adult, employer-employee and in business relationships with all types of stakeholders and in the relationship you have to yourself. I include the relationship you have with yourself because your ability to be effective in your communication starts with your clarity of thought. In those situations where your thoughts are clear, you want to make sure your outward expression is sound and advances your ideas. It’s a shame to have a great idea die because it cannot be expressed clearly, and then examined, refined and executed. It’s like making a movie and leaving the best scenes on the cutting room floor (or losing the data files for digital video). In those situations where you are not transmitting information successfully, the best thing that can happen to you is for someone to bring it to your attention. When this happens you can rework or re-start your communication.
“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” – George Bernard Shaw
And, there is more, there always is.
Be genuine.
Copyright 2014 © John J. Trakselis, Chicago CEO Coaching
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