Thoughts on Mentoring

“To be a man, a boy must see a man.” – J R Moehringer
"A strong mentor can help a young woman find and advance in the career of her dreams that otherwise may have seemed impossible." – Kirsten Gillibrand

This essay is about one of the most wonderful opportunities that may come your way—being a mentor.

Mentorship has many facets—relationship, responsibility, vision, collaboration, service, collegiality, experience, teaching, knowledge transfer, sharing, awareness, communication, positive regard and more. Where do we start?

“Mentoring is a brain to pick, an ear to listen and a push in the right direction.” – John C. Crosby

An Empathy Orientation

First and foremost, mentorship is about relationship. You are the mentor and the other person is the learner. It is imperative that your mentee is someone you believe in and want to support – and best is if it’s someone you enjoy. But mentorship is not about tolerating the other person. It is the ability to be with the other, to co-voyage and guide them on their journey. This brings to mind one of the most important manifestations of emotional intelligence—empathy. For our purposes, let’s define empathy as having the capacity to appreciate the other person’s feelings, understand their thinking and evaluate their attitudes. Although this may sound daunting, approaching the mentoring opportunity from a position of empathy can optimize outcomes – for the mentor and the mentee.

“The mediocre teacher tells. The good teacher explains. The superior teacher demonstrates. The great teacher inspires.” – William Arthur Ward

Have a Vision for the Relationship

What is necessary to have a successful mentoring relationship? I think a mutually agreeable vision for the relationship would be a good starting point. Two people may have different values and operating principles. There is no compelling reason for both parties to value the same things and operate the same way. There is a requirement, however, that those values and operating principles be compatible; i.e. in addition to working for you the individual has to work with you in building the successful mentoring relationship. It is very likely that the mentor has a more clearly refined discipline of engaging with the world. The learner, on the other hand, is generally more in a formative state which, in itself, means that the relationship will focus on learning rather than relearning. I say this because the mentor can put up a model of identity and character that the learner can bounce up against and discover what works for him or her. This actually is the number one point to communicate to the learner—stand for something or fall for anything.

Mutuality

What about mutual values in the relationship? Can those values be identified and agreed upon? Yes they can. Let me put forth the values that I and my Vistage members (clients) agree on as part of our working relationship. I have had the good fortune to be a Vistage Chair for the past 9 years. There are three bedrock values that we subscribe to: CARE, CHALLENGE, and TRUST. In Vistage, whether it is a group session or an individual coaching session, we approach our engagement with each other from a caring standpoint. This means that we have positive regard for each other. We are not seeking dominance or superiority. We approach the relationship from a caring standpoint. We also show that we care by challenging each other because the search for the truth is the ultimate expression of caring. Finally, we trust in the process and each other since that cuts down our resistance and opens our hearts and minds to better ways of being and doing.

“Spoon feeding in the long run teaches us nothing but the shape of the spoon.” – E.M. Forster

The Mentoring Objective

I think there is one primary objective for the mentoring relationship. Like values, the goal that I identify with is also professed by Vistage International. While the relationship that I have with my members (clients) is a coaching relationship, I believe that the objective of Vistage membership is the same as the objective of a mentoring relationship—GROWTH. Growth is different from learning. I define learning as becoming aware of something new. But as I have heard over the years--action is everything. Accordingly, growth is doing something differently. Ideally we want our actions to be more efficient but most importantly more effective. In Vistage the purpose of growth is to give us better results.

Rules of Engagement

The vision for the mentoring relationship will probably settle on rules of engagement between the parties. Here are some questions that need to be addressed:

  • What does success look like; i.e., what do you want to accomplish as a result of the relationship?
  • Is the relationship a formal or an informal one?
  • How often do you meet or talk?
  • How do you make sure that both sides are heard and understood?
  • How do you measure progress?
  • How do you handle conflict?
  • How do you close out the completion phase of the relationship?

Mentorship is different than an intervention designed to correct unacceptable behavior in the learner. An intervention requires a strong hand by the intervener and compliance by the one being disciplined. Mentorship, on the other hand, should have more give and take because the mentoring relationship is about growth and not behavior correction.

“Leadership is giving out far more than one expects in direct return. The rewards are intangible, yet priceless.” – T Jay Taylor
“In learning you will teach, and in teaching you will learn.” – Phil Collins

The Benefits of Mentoring

Mentoring is definitely a leadership activity. You can approach it from your authority position but I think you and the learner will not achieve the full benefits of the relationship. In fact the word relationship implies mutuality of interest and accomplishing that mutuality by influence rather than command and control. And in order to influence, you will find it extremely valuable to hone your listening skills and modulate your ability to deliver a great speech. Mentoring is a thoughtful giving of your best to the learner. If you are too quick to provide a solution you disempower the learner’s ability to develop his or her thought processes thereby inhibiting the ability to grow because you are dictating solutions. In effect, you want to facilitate the learner’s growth through your leadership as the mentor.

I also suggest that the learner grows by way of your ability to challenge. Some of the challenge involves asking questions such that the mentee takes her thinking to deeper levels of analysis and more thorough focus on end objective and means to the end. With your guiding hand, you help the mentee go deeper and wider so that she develops her ability to solve problems and seize opportunities. You want the end result of your mentoring relationship to be one of helping the learner become a better leader. If you do it right, you too will be a better leader because you have learned how to assist another to improve her game.

“No one learns as much about a subject as one who is forced to teach it.” – Peter F. Drucker

And, there is more, there always is.

Be genuine.

Copyright 2014 © John J. Trakselis, Chicago CEO Coaching

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